Ah industry of Video Games. The joys you give to us when you spout shit our way and expect to sell just because there are boobs slapped over. I mean, really, we all enjoy boobs, ninjas, pirates, robots and other generic geek friendly themes, but things Like Oneechanbara Bikini Samurai Squad are just shameless.
I reviewed the game for the Greek gaming site Game2.0 and I was new at reviewing business back then. Heck, even my Xbox 360 was the old revision. Acually it’s also the lowest score I ever gave to a game, and that says A LOT.
I decided to revisit that game as part of the 1Μore Castle’s “Review-a-Bad-Game day” and there are several reasons for that. That game came out in the current gen, back in 2009. Three years ago, there was no Playstation Move or Kinect and the Wii was capitalizing on the motion controlled shovelware market. But as we learned, the shovel can dig down to the hardcore audience with such elegance, nobody expects it.
So, even if the ground of motion controls is practically a giant shovelware pit, it doesn’t mean that the button-mashing hardcore area didn’t get its share of shttiness. After all, a bad game is bad, no matter the platform, the control options or the graphics.
Onwards to the review.
Oneechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad is about two Sisters that are also zombie slayers because, I don’t know, family tratition? Aya and Saki are typical japanese-designed 3D dolls that care to show their bodies at any given chance.
Actually they are designed specifically to get different types of (japanese?) males horny. Aya is the tipical all-grown woman with massive lady muffins that can walk around in tiny bikinis as it’s socially accepted for women at such age. Saki is a school girl that goes around with a tipical “sailor” school uniform. She’s considerably younger than her sister, underdeveloped and perfect to get pedobears up on their feet with plenty of panty shots.
Throw in another character called Annna (with the strange decision to include an extra n in her name) which can get a third party of males horny; the ones who fantasize women in uniforms.
The two sisters are skilled sword masters, ready to take in any ghoulies the unexplicable force of ghoulies (whatever that is) throws their way. Annna is a gunslinger with seemingly unlimited ammo.
The difference between the big chested heroines is that Aya and Saki, the katana waving sluts, have a few extra things to consider. First, it’s their sword that must be cleaned after a series of kills, because it will be covered in zombie sludge and might stick in a zombie’s innard during the fight, leaving the character momentaly open for attacks. The other thing is the fury meter that gets full with all that slaughter. When full, Aya and Saki become sexy smurfs that deal more damage but their life bar gets depleted as the time passes and they could die. The only thing that calms them are statues.
Yes, statues. Probalby a holy figure or something.
Up until now you’ll think “ey, that’s not a bad game. Mediocre but the premise is good”. Poor unfortunate soul. I haven’t started on the gameplay yet.
The button to press is X and only that. Yeah, I know, many of you who have played the game will say that you can use other buttons too and it’s true. But the resulting combos aren’t satisfying or rewarding or over the top. You’ll end up just pressing X to win, with the occasional “clean your sword, lady” button. It’s so easy, you might as well eat a burger or whatever fattening food can find before fapping to those plastic looking polygonal models.
The jumps are ridiculous. Those calamity Janes hoop like the’re on the moon, The zombie slaughter is repetitive and boring, there are only three types of zombie to deal with. Boredom sets in in the first couple of levels.
The interesting thing is, that thre’s a mission game going on at the same time. Yes, when some conditions are met, a mission unlocks. There’s no way somebody might know beforehand which are the condition. All the missions have confusing names such as “one strange lady”. But the tips in the “tips” selection in the pause menu should help, right?
Well, WRONG. The tips selection is COMPLETELY EMPTY. It only shows an empty window of nothingness. But what makes things even dumber is that thing is that when by chance you unlock a mission, IT HAS ADVICE INTENDED FOR THE COMPLETED MISSION. It’s unbelivable how stupidity found its place in a series of insignificant design decisions. They didn’t even try coding it right.
And, did I mention that the achievements are bound to those missions? You might excell in button mashing of this game and nobody notice because you might get none of those achievements. Even for completion there’s nothing rewarded to you.
The nonsentical story doesn’t help either. The game does not explain why Saki and Aya are into all of this. The texts between missions are poorly written with occasional engrish popping out and slapping you like a japanese octopus . At some point, Aya is at the top of a nearby hill, and she decides to ride her motorcycle. A motorcycle that was not mentioned before, nor there’s any explenation where it came from. Probably it was hidden inside her bikini or It was there just to start a horible motorcycle stage.
That motorcycle stage is probably the most profound evidence that they weren’t trying at all and at the same time, they wanted to take advantage on “cool” elements like a poorly dressed woman on a huge motorcycle slaying zombies. Don’t get your pants wet. That stage is awful, repetitive and the scattered bugs are hard to ignore at some point, when your mototcycle stops instantly when it hits borders.
Let’s talk on how this shit looks. And it looks exactly like ti plays: Like a shit. And you WILL be fooled into thinking that the game has half descent graphics because stills look pretty. The truth is that nothing looks pretty in this game.
The environements are blocky and they look like somebody took a PSX title, rendered it in 720p and threw in generic models. It’s blocky and the textures are low-resolution. Shameful for today’s machines at best. There’s zero interaction, besides some obviously breakable barrels and jars, and there’s no anmation going on in the background at all.
The enemies look exactly like that. The zombies of the old House of The Dead are way prettier and more detailed than those ghoulies. They come in solid colours, much like toy soldiers. Somethimes they don’t even attack and when they do, they are miserable at best. The bosses are so bad, they are painful to play due to the time it takes to complete them but they’re also painful to look at. Their low-poly existances are so miserable, you actually kill them to put them out of their misery.
The ladies look better though but don’t expect DOA quality. The biggest problem I had is their animation. I mean, really, they could have made it looking sexy but instead it looks hilariously bad. And the dress-up sub game that allows you to get up close to the models, reveals that they are made of Barbie matter and their default stance isn’t even possible for a human being. As for the boobs, they wobble. In a way that it’s not visible in-game but enought to be creepy in a dress-up game. It’s like half dead mice got in there and started moving around to get comfortable inside, or those boobs have minds of their own and want to abandon this joke of a game once and for all.
The music and sound design follows the awfulness of the whole package. The annoying repetitive themes will drill into your mind as you go through the zombies with the occasional passionate female voice whispering “Touch me” slapping you in the face, reminding you that this is a game indended to feel sexy, but it fails to do so.
The zombies don’t do many noises. There’s a weird buzzing going on when zombies are around, but it makes no sense. It sounds strange. I can’t even describe it but it makes things easier when a zombie gets stuck behind a wall, to find and kill it.
The heroines are all shouting and moaning in their every move. That’s annoying because each as one “oomph” one “HA” and one “YA” to go on fighting. It gets so repetitive, you want to cut your ears off during the first level. There’s isn’t much to say for the sound department because there’s nothing else in it.
So there you have it. It’s a game that it’s bad in almost every section. It’s weird how they announce a sequel because this piece of crap aqquired a “fan base”. The only thing it aqquired for me is my loathe for the developer and the guys who made me review this crap.
All in all, gamers, don’t be horny idiots. Just because it has boobs and butts, it won’t make it a good game. Stop fapping over it. STOP I SAID!
Btw, here’s a turd ribbon. Can I make a t-shirt with it?